I have many weaknesses. One of them is that I like to be right. Like all human beings I am frequently wrong but in those situations I would prefer to be right about being wrong. And yes I know that the latter statement sounds ridiculous. But that’s the point isn’t it? Being right is so comforting, rewarding and dare I say self-satisfying. Being wrong is just embarrassing and awkward. It mostly requires an apology and the ignominy of tucking into a large slice of humble pie.
One of the great benefits of marriage is that this particular weakness is brought into sharp focus long before I can get comfortable with being right about being wrong. However, marital bliss also manifests a much more complicated scenario. I like to call it the “appropriate stale mate”.
Is it possible that both parties could be right? After all, we all actually accept that much of day-to-day life is greyer than it is black and white. We don’t spend hours debating if it is right to wear blue shirts rather than red ones or whether bacon and eggs rather than eggs and beans is more right for breakfast.
It seems that a conversation becomes a disagreement when it hits on an unspoken value we hold dear - the right to be heard, the importance of family, the rewards of hard work and so on. A lot of the time we aren’t even aware that we are championing our hidden value system, especially when we confuse what’s important to us with THE truth. It’s almost instinctive to convince ourselves that “if I have the truth then I must be right!”
In the Gospels Jesus reminds us that the truth will set us free (John 8:32) but also, and very importantly, that HE is the way the truth and the life (John 14:6). I find this can be a helpful litmus test. If I’ve painted myself into corner, I try (but sadly often forget) to go to Jesus in prayer and ask for the truth. Whenever I ask for truth I get it and seldom like the perspective it brings.
As I see it, the problem isn’t disagreement or even conflict (tremendous creativity should emerge from healthy debate) it is my stubbornness to recognise that there may be more than one approach/perspective/answer that is right. More troubling is that this kind of attitude will more likely inhibit rather than enable the Holy Spirit to work in fresh and unexpected ways.